all right uh I'm only talking into the microphone only because it's tied to our video camera I know it's a a nice small group tonight um I want to introduce Mr George Scott uh he has an extensive career with like the traumatic loss Coalition and helping schools navigate uh you know the challenging situations surrounding sometimes when students pass away uh he was on site today working with our students uh his team of counselors that he's worked with have been on site at the middle school and the high School working with our students and staff again through these challenges so I want to give them a nice warm welcome for coming out tonight and uh Mr Scott so just to reiterate we're being recorded if you want to wait until the end for questions we'll turn the recording off if that makes you more comfortable if you want to ask questions during the evening I'm fine with that cuz I'd rather you go away with as many questions answered as possible the other thing that we do have is we have the ability to have interpretation does anybody in the audience need an interpreter you may need an interpreter for me you know it has always been my habit when I'm having conversations with parents about a lot of things about kids it's not just during really difficult times but in the past I've always had the habit of saying good evening but what I know is it may not be and in fact because of the topic because of the information that we want to share for many of you it's it's quite the opposite of a good evening and and I'm going to also assume because I don't know anybody in the room that there are families who are not here but that may in fact tune into that recording that it's a terrible evening we're talking about this issue of grief and loss we're talking about tonight what moms and dads can do to create healthy children typically I ask things like how many of you want your kids to be happy and everybody puts their hand up and I said well why don't you why don't you make that like the second or third priority because what I would want is I would want your kids to be healthy both physically and emotionally because then happiness is not elusive they they can navigate life much much better so you'll hear some of my biases about that tonight working together to support our kids right a community conversation I certainly will reference grief and loss I certainly will reference death but I will not talk specifically about the two children who died that would be very disrespectful of me with the families but I don't want to avoid that because the death from last July and the death from now is a huge huge impact both the the the middle school and the high school and maybe even at the elementary and I haven't had much of a connection there how many of you have Elementary children oh terrific terrific glad you're here good for you and the last thing we'll talk about is and so what so how do we recover what do we need to do here's one of my biases and I'll try to put a red flag on all my biases they're just the way George Scott believes I think it's really difficult for our kids to navigate the craziness of life the way it is now complicated yes by technology but also Complicated by a lot of other things some of it that technology brings in and some of it because of the stressors on families I think my experience is and I'll tell you a little bit about my orientation is that many many of our families are very fragile a lot of stressors and when that happens things begin to unravel and I see our kids as barometers they can kind of tell me what's going on inside the family unit because they're very sensitive to it so I want to cover all of that um now keep in mind because I don't know you I'm not talking about you and your family but I am talking about what I know about in terms of families so this is proof this is proof that you're not alone in whatever your position is around what's going on in South River or what's personally going on in your own family or how you have and you've trying to manage your own suffering because we are going to talk about your suffering as well not just the suffering of the kids so this is intended to be serious but it doesn't mean that we might not chuckle about something see I don't see that as disrespectful I see that as balanced in fact as we were kind of meeting up with kids today um who just didn't want to show any emotion other than sad is that a laughter about a memory for instance can be a really good thing to help lift the spirit not disrespectful it's on balance it's what we need as human beings in order to get through really difficult times and we do want to talk about the well-being of your kids what does it mean to raise healthy kids what do they need what gets in the way and how do you know same message here is on the first slide and that is showing up on a Thursday evening see here's where my mind goes in terms of that laughter it's like must be a really terrible night on TV that y all kind of showed up right so it's that kind of thing like listen even if you don't chuckle I'm chuckling up here because I that's how I keep the balance on this kind of stuff this is huge there are so many school districts both in New Jersey where I do most of my work or in Pennsylvania where I do some of my work in which school districts don't want to talk about any of this and when I got a call from the superintendent that says hey we're struggling e of it's not that's woring my yeah this is not working um sometimes this button can be really sensitive so just be if you just watch that one it's on that one's on is that better Brian oh now I have to start all over there is such a thing as positive stress positive stress motivates us we we generate it in order to get something accomplished I often use with with with kids that I'm with like sports teams right the coach gets them pumped up like how do you create that positive stress so we don't want to talk badly about stress in general but then there's something that's called tolerable stress it accumulates we manage it might have a bad day I'm going to talk about how stress affects you guys there's some of you guys in the room that are headache people you don't have to acknowledge that I just know you're out there there are some of you folks in the room that are gut people you don't have to acknowledge it I just know that there are three places in the body where human beings hold stress head gut pulmonary cardiac and if we have tolerable stress but we know that it's there we can feel that it's there and we know what to do about it then it becomes positive stress or it just leaves our body this is a lesson we teach our kids because they are stressed too and you'll see it we'll talk about how what are the indicators you'll see it in their behavior you'll know when they're getting bothered because it starts to stack up so there's this positive stress there's this tolerable stress and then it gets to the point where it's toxic and toxic stress can be dangerous to us it's dangerous to us physically and it's dangerous to us emotionally and if in fact we don't acknowledge it understand it do something about it it will make our body sick either emotionally or physically here are some common stress responses in kids and I will say in adults as well you know can you imagine like you're you're late for work and you can't find your keys right and you're going around the house like a crazy person saying who's seen my keys who's seen my keys and one of your kids says ma dad you got them in your hand cuz you didn't even know it right because your stress is up maybe you're going to have a meeting with the boss or maybe you don't want to be late for an important get together so these things you will see in your kids they're not terrible indicators they're just red flags that say oh as a mom or dad I need to pay attention these are signs of toxic stress these when these accumulate your kid is not in a good space or you're not in a good space and this goes for high school middle school elementary kids even down as young as toddlers because there can be reasons why their bodies get stressed as well now the very first one I just want to make sure that you know that I know probably in South River no there is no irritability among adults probably that's not a factor right of course it's a factor and the more irritable we get we need to pay attention like what's going going on where's this coming from I'll highlight some others we talked about the physical illnesses of your head and your gut and your chest we begin to see it in in if it's an adult tardies to work can't get there can't get up in the morning same thing with kids can be tardies or can be absences we just need to be able to say it's not just bad behavior because I don't like just laying that on people all the time I'm always curious like J wonder what that behavior is where it's coming from I wonder what's causing it and then you see also the decrease in the work performance of school performance there there are more now we've been seeing quite a bit of this recently because of Martin's death right we've been seeing this issue of temper and blaming we call it scapegoating we're looking for somebody to pay a price to make it make sense and here's what we know it's it doesn't make sense it's just a sucky thing that happens in life I'm so I told the kids this today I said my heart's breaking for you guys at you at an age of 14 15 you should not have to figure out how to get through this but what we know is is that irritability and temper Outburst doesn't mean that they're intentionally being mean their body and minds are out of their control right now and they're just scurrying we'll talk a little bit in a minute about fight flight when your when your cortisol level goes right when we're stressed we get cortisol flowing in our bodies that makes us run from danger good thing it's a it it it's a survival it makes us fight where we need to good thing but Mo for most of us it can get in the way and make us kind of be unbearable kind of we don't want to be around people who have these big surges and who are really irritable and cranky you can also see the the um aggression and the bullying the isolation is the shutdown right it's not just the flight you can get so overwhelmed that literally you'll watch your body or a kids body just shut down we'll talk about sleep in a minute because there's an indicator of that we also know that when somebody is just really anxious and really anxious if you go to give them a hug they'll say leave me alone don't touch me the touch almost hurts them so one of one of the things that I always suggest to Mom and Dad if your kid is is in a tough spot and they're trying to get through it ask them what they need ask them if you can get closer sit with them ask them if you can give them a hug that allows them to control them their their own environment and and if if they say not now then respect that say okay I just want you to know I'm always going to be here I'll always come back for you use of drugs and alcohol one of the things we talked about today with kids and we've talked about it with staff and that's the issue of what do you do with the emotional pain that this has created if it's toxic stress there are things that we know we can do if you don't know what to do then sometimes there's a tendency to go right to alcohol or right to marijuana because what that does you ingest it it takes the edge off and for the moment you can tolerate it but as soon as it's out of your system it's coming back up again so we call it a maladaptive or not a healthy coping skill trust me it works which is why adults and kids go that route because it works but it doesn't have enough of a long sustaining and it leads to other kinds of problems so I talk a lot about vulnerability your vulnerability in large part based upon my work what I believe and what I know your vulnerability some of you have you've been carrying this for a very very long time because vulnerability frequently starts in childhood it's where I'll give you I'm a family therapist so I'm coming from that perspective um I also work in schools with parents and kids so I come from that perspective I had a 37-year career in education as a director but the point that I'd like to make on that is that is that we bring our vulnerability along and the more we realize that that's a hot button for me like I don't know why every time I'm with him or I'm with her I can just feel myself churn I don't know what that music I don't know why when it gets really warm in the room we begin to understand what our hot buttons are and guess what your kids have them too now here's some not so good news some of their hot buttons are inherited from Mom and Dad it's the Legacy it it's it's it's the way we are as adults and the way we parent like for instance how many of you when your little baby was born even if they're 16 or 18 now how many of you got the manual with them like how to raise this little bugger there was none of that you either got good advice or bad advice from people in the family or you read a lot of books or you you did a whole lot of let's try it and see if it works right so what we know is this stuff is is not bad behavior it's we understand why it happens to be that way and what we know is is that vulnerability can in fact come from inside the family and I simply suggest you pay attention to that that toxic stress suppresses your immune system your immune system when it's operating really well keeps you healthy helps your body repair but when you're overwhelmed or toxic stress is there a lot that immune system isn't doing all that it can do for you and therefore you're prone to more things going wrong you're prone to more viruses and colds you're literally even prone to more Falls Burns broken bones when your immune system is suppressed and your vulnerability is high so there's there's kind of really nice good science behind it if we then can do some introspection and figure out what's going on with us because that will help us figure out what's going on with our kids so there's a grief response yes grief is a direct reaction response to a death but grief is really a direct reaction response to anything that you lose that's special so it's what you feel we grieve the loss of somebody even like a friend who moves away we grieve that that that's really sad for us we can't do anything about that that's a grief response it's not high and it doesn't last very long but it's there there's a grief response when we have a favorite teacher who's going to leave the classroom or going to retire we really miss that person already we begin to grieve how many of you have gone into this state of grieving when the family pet has died and the pet has been a part of the family for a very long time so whenever there is a loss that you have to live without let's make this funny how many of you when your kids were toddlers had a favorite stuffed animal that you left at the restaurant they wouldn't go to sleep and you had to drive back to the restaurant to get the stuffed animal because for them it was a grief response the smell of the touch was part of what they were used to so we don't dismiss it we don't minimize it it's a real thing which is why for the past week here 10 days here I've been encouraging people to be really patient around the grief behaviors that we're seeing in our kids whenever we are forced to say goodbye it's really uncomfortable it's really overwhelming here are the labels for the behaviors and the feelings I'm thinking that for some of you maybe all of you there's something up on the screen that you can relate to because likely you've gotten this far in your life and you've had to navigate grief experiences we're also going to talk about mourning as a contrast to grief but here's some more grief the book that I use in my graduate class is called the body keeps the score when you live through life and things happen if you're not able to identify how it can be hurtful and you wind up absorbing it and absorbing it then the body begins to say hey we can't take it anymore why why is it that my heart is racing why do I have sweaty Palms lots of things your body does or your mind will begin to give you indicators that you got to pay attention to this thing called body mind because either the grief or the toxic stress is really spilling on top of you what does this have to do with your kids now those kids that have higher level of resilience because they've learned how to to navigate their stress they do better in these difficult situations for kids that are more vulnerable more sensitive more anxious more worried when events like this happen it just overwhelms and implodes the system so you can see maybe in you other people in the family and certainly in your children that how you live and the the the the the greater your well-being the easier it is for you to navigate that's grief right it's a human response there there's other research out there about but The Grieving element elephants and The Grieving whales I'm not so sure about them I just know about The Grieving human beings that's this response that is about what we do with it you get the call your first response usually is what that can't be I don't believe you we get into denial quickly I like it that's a good thing because denial is a protector it's a shield that you put up because now you got to try to make sense of what you just heard we talked with the kids today and they all acknowledged it almost to a kid yep when I first heard the news I thought it was a joke I didn't believe it I had to go and check it out this is what are you going to do about it as a family therapist frequently frequently I will get a phone call at the office from a from a mom or a dad who said listen yesterday in the family so and so died I would like to schedule my kids for grief therapy and I understand that because it scares us right we we look at them and we think oh my God you know how's this going to affect them long term I usually say why don't you wait for a week or two because what happens during this stage here is you then get engaged in family cultural rituals around loss that help you to process the loss people gather they cry they hug then they begin to laugh they even do it around food or music or religious practices they are all terrific because for most of us most of us if we plug into the family rituals around loss when we get to the other side we're still sad but it's not disrupting Our Lives if to weeks three weeks I've even said as much you'll see this in a little bit two months out if somebody is still stuck in that then they need a different way to take a look at it or we need a different kind of plan to help them heal their way out of it but rituals are terrific I would imagine nobody has said this to me but I would imagine that folks came here this evening because they're worried maybe it was the blurb that was sent out maybe it's because of conversation that you've been hearing in the community maybe it's because somewhere inside of your family somebody has a personal relationship with a family or with the students who died whatever your circumstances might be your concern and your worry is Paramount and it gets you out and that what do I do with this George how do I take care of me because first I got to take care of me before I can take care of my kids let's take a look at this when do you seek help these are the kinds of things you look at Behavior as an indicator of whether or not you're doing okay your partner husband wife is doing okay your kids are doing okay these are the behaviors we look at the number one time after time after time in the research the number one so check yourself out on this the number one thing that the human being needs to have is sleep uninterrupted 7 to9 hours regular predictable basis now coming out of covid forget sleep routines forget sleep schedules they all got blown up because everything was just a mess and it took some families a while to get those routines back a regular time to go to bed a regular time that you get up a regular time that we have meals routines are critically important and sleep is the number one now I'm going to give you some of you may know this because you're always out there looking for for answers having a device in your room is a terrible idea it's terrible for you and it's super terrible for your kids don't turn it into a battle not suggesting that but what I'm suggesting to you is here's what the science is saying the science is saying that the blue light from the screens suppresses the ability to create serotonin so you don't get drowsy and you don't fall asleep and it takes about an hour away from the blue light in order that your body gets back in syn and you can develop a regular sleep pattern so logically I would recommend to my clients or folks that I would see in the school establish that sleep time at least the in bedtime and back it up an hour and say all devices have to be off by that time let the body sink itself up again so that it op uh operates at Optimum and then then the serotonin will in fact be helpful sleep is number one um sometimes in situations like this sleep is disruptive because there's a fear I'll give you a couple examples of that even for kids in high school there's a real possibility and a real likelihood that the death of a classmate or somebody in their school may be the first personal death that they've had to deal with the Grandma and Grandpa are alive mom and dad are doing well aunts and uncles are doing well the pet dog has never died so therefore this is the first up close and personal that could be really disruptive and it'll be disruptive to sleep because it creates a fear usually kids don't read their bodies well they don't read the nausea in the gut the belly aches the fact of the co the the constipation and diarrhe their body on that toxic stressor is really saying to them you got to pay attention here now I'm going to give you a a solution to that we talked about it today you know when we did our groups the the the district provided all these bottles of water and we what we said to the kids was it's really nice probably not every meeting of kids has bottles of water why would we do that today because hydration is a great way to help you reregulate the cortisol in your body that's stress hormone so Hydra if you're a sports person or your kid is you know that's what the coaches say get get some water hydrate get some water because when we use it up we need to replenish it and when you're on high stress for for grief and loss we want to pee out the excess cortisol it'll help your body get regulated fear of falling asleep sometimes kids Minds the fear is related to the fact that I'm afraid I won't wake up they may get really close to you because they're afraid that something will happen to you so the death of somebody close especially a first experience really kind of stretches their ability to stay grounded and because they're uncomfortable with it they probably don't talk to you about what it is so this idea of fear it it's a it's a really good indicator of where their stressors are um and that's tied to that number that that fourth one down there the constant worry about danger you know when we're highly stress we something happens in us because we're we're wired to survive right that that comes from Millennial Millennial ago we're hired to hardwired to survive and therefore we do have a hyp sensitivity to Danger even if it's perceived danger so when you get upset by big events like you guys are experiencing here in the district it'll take a while for your kids to re-regulate on that but they will have a an exaggerated response knowing your kid you'll know that either when they are really upset they want to be closer to you or when they're upset they want to be further away either behavior is okay as long as it's not exaggerated for a long period of time isolation this withdrawing from friends and activities or withdrawing from family you can tolerate it for a bit and when I say a bit a day two but when it goes longer than that you want to pull them back in you want to make a connection here's why human beings are wired to be attached to each other particularly the primary caregivers that's where that we get our strength that's where we get our safety and our security so if a kid begins to pull away pull away pull away that's a that's an indicator that things are not going well at least for that child there was just another thought that I wanted to share and for now it's gone it'll be back I'm sure that's the way it works remember those stress act the stress characteristics concentrating as one of them or they get into a loop of wanting to talk about what happened or they want to talk about a related story be patient if you've got hot buttons watch your irritability watch your your own level of of angst because what they what our kids need is they need for us to be the constant they need for us to be grounded there's the two to three months if it goes with no change if if they're crying every day or every other day if they're not eating then that's C is a that is a a significant red flag worry and worrying about you worrying about the um your loved ones so these are some of the things you can do I wouldn't wait till something bad happens to to try to nurture relationship conversation I know our high school kids and sometimes our middle school kids don't want to talk like how was school fine did you do anything special no right I mean you you know that however the it's not on this slide yes it is check your own family situation out with regard to this one of the things that because of the busyness of Our Lives that has gone away is family dinner time at the same place at the same time here's what the research says if you can bring family together around the dining table for food for conversation the risk factors that we worry most about begin to go away being connected to the family is really important now let me play out this hypothetical that's running through my mind right now Hey listen we're going to start having dinner every Wednesday night together yeah well I'll eat in my room I'll eat in front of the computer I'll eat in front of the TV no no really really we're GNA every just so plan for it Mom and I decided dad and I decided every Wednesday night six o'clock we're going to have dinner and listen what we're going to do is just we we just want you to be there and we want you to stay because that's really important oh and you can't have your phone at the table now you're off and running with an argument but that is a really important critical attribute for a healthy family I'm going to tell you that my goal for you is that everybody shares a bit about their day they're not sharing but what I'm saying to you is you've got this parental power you share you tell a story about your day rather than a grievance tell something that went well tell something that you were surprised that happened when you begin to do that and you use Wednesday nights or Tuesday Thursday or every night whatever your family can orchestrate you will find them beginning to slow down their eating pay attention and beginning to share that is one of the best ways according to the science and the research to insulate your kids from bad experiences that they might have out there when you're concerned learned share it I'm really worried the guy the other night said blah blah blah I'm seeing blah blah blah it makes me worried let them know that it doesn't have to be a secret you won't scare them you won't overwhelm them it just opens up this channel of having these conversations if it doesn't happen automatically perhaps because of your own vulnerabilities your own wounds per perhaps because you are a harried schedule really hectic that last point there remind your kids that they are important and they matter the single this applies to you guys too not just your kids we're trying to prevent some stuff with your children one of the most common reasons why people seek out a therapist is because they are very successful but they never feel good enough they just can't seem to feel satisfied or PR proud in themselves I believe it's part of this connection with our kids now I don't believe in gushing like oh my God it was great and watch the way you opened the door coming home and you didn't slam it that's probably not something that I would highlight but I might say you know what I've been noticing every morning that it's it it just seems to be more pleasant like I really I really like this new mood this real new attitude I noticed the other day you brought the recycling cans in oh my God thanks I really appreciate that you notice the things because some kids do feel invisible but you begin to nurture that and that goes to you're important the family works better when everybody chimes in does their part and you matter to me oh did I tell you yesterday you matter to me I'm telling you today you matter to me me shift that little bit of a dialogue I think it'll be really terrific your kids are going to be a little cautious at the when you first do it if if that's not part of your regular stuff like what's wrong with you what's what's going on what's up the other thing I going warn you it's not on a slide but my mind is is is now telling me you know in in the research there's something called having a yuck face yeah you know what that is where you come home from work and your kids say to you I didn't do it it's not my fault what's wrong CU they can see it here what I'm suggesting is the facial expressions are a big indicator of what's going on inside and if you can work on inside the face is going to be just different or to remind yourself that I've had a tough day and I'm probably got one of those yucky faces on that George talked about I got to say guys this face do has nothing to do with you I'll get of it but I just need a few minutes you tune them into what's going on let's talk about hugs because now we're into the science of relationships the science says that a hug is most effective when it lasts for 20 seconds I want you to sit with that for a second 20 seconds is not a long time but what we know is there are not a lot of hugs certainly in education we've had to back away from them right because bad things have happened between adults and kids so even when a kid is like having a really bad day it's really hard to give them a comforting hug because we're we have to be cautious less so at home so one night I'm giving a presentation and in the audience it's a colleague of mine a superintendent from another school district and I'm talking about the power of this 22nd hug I saw him a couple weeks later and he said to me hey George can I talk to you about that 20 second hug I said sure he saidwell when I heard you say that he said now I I have a 14-year-old daughter Becky he said I went home that night and I I got in and and I said to my wife where where's Becky and my wife says she's upstairs doing homework so oh Becky nothing no response Beck Becky what Becky come on down here for a second would you please Daddy I'm doing homework look I understand that this won't take long and he's saying to him himself only 20 seconds so she comes and she said what he walks over to her and puts his arms around her and she starts squirming this is creepy what are you doing what's wrong with you I said well what did you do he said I did this 17 18 19 20 he said I stepped away from her and she went back upstairs storming like you're a creepy old man I said that was it he said oh no that wasn't the end of the story he said about two days later he said when I came home from work she said Dad I said yeah he said can I have another one of those 20 second hugs that's attachment it's a human need it's not meant to shame it's not meant to embarrass it's meant to connect think about this think about times when you have not been at your best for whatever reason a work thing a home thing you're not feeling well whatever it is and you have an opportunity to be hugged by somebody who is safe and they just want to hug you to make you okay doesn't that feel great I mean it does human beings need the attachment our babies need the attachment but you can't dump it on them if you haven't used it much at all you got to work toward it the more connected the family is the more connected you are with your kids the greater the likelihood that you're going to be able to talk about uncomfortable things and they'll listen and the more likely they're going to share with you uncomfortable things so that you can listen when you're worried say it tell your partner tell your spouse I'm concerned about George why what what what are you worried about and you have that conversation haven't you noticed that blah blah blah blah blah blah blah don't sit with it because of the worry if you sit with it that's going to contribute to your toxic stress your body is not going to like that very much so sharing it is a way of emptying your body to do that if you don't know what to do you're seeing a change at home I'm a big fan of calling the school counselor now let me tell you why that is I happen to love school counselors nurses sacks in the school I do a lot of work with them because of my work and what I know is is that they want nothing more than to make a contribution somehow to the well-being of your kid rather than them calling home for whatever the reason they would entertain and welcome a call from you that said hey you know on the screen the other night he said such and such I think he was talking about my son can c can you help me through this reach out and call the school counselor if it's more than that more than you've made adjustments the school and you have figured out that it's bigger than that then ask for who in the community can I talk to because I'm worried about my kid now you can do some research on this if you go to Psychology today website and you click on therapy locator and you put in your ZIP code everybody in the geographical area who is licensed as a therapist they will give you their specialty what they prefer to do whether they're virtual or in person whether they take your insurance or not because some sometimes you have to get outside of the loop of you and the school if in fact your kid is really holding on to a whole lot of crap technically speaking crap and it's not temporary that it's becoming part of their style if you don't want to do that because that's a big leap for you call the pediatrician here's what I'm seeing what are you suggesting you've known my kid for 10 years 5 years 12 years what what do I need to do if the physician says Hey listen bring them in bring her in then do that say I'm just concerned about your you know how you've been having a lot of belly aches remember you've been talking you don't want to go to school because of the diarrhea That's not healthy there's something going on we just need to figure it out now bias here's my bias we live in a country where the solution to most everything is a pill of some kind it's not my what I'm favored of if in fact organically something is going wrong and your child's body is reflecting that then if we figure out what's going on and we change that the body will adapt I much rather do it with better sleep I'd much rather do it with the second one nutrition I'd much rather do it with the third one exercise those top three will help to reregulate you and your kids let's talk about the gut in a positive way not gut problems we now know that there is a thing called a gut feeling about something we now know that there's a bundle of nerves that come out of the brain near the heart area and they wind up down here in the gut and it's a sense of danger things aren't well things aren't good I'm missing something what I say to you is if you're worried about your kid and you can't put your finger on it then you go and you meet with your physician your school counselor you go to with a therapist and I say no no things are fine if that gut feeling can't be resolved stay with it particularly moms because I believe that's the anuo connection the heartbeat connection between you and those babies so gut feeling stay with it it could keep your kids safe more support team I don't know how connected you are or you are not with the school these folks in any combination can be a powerful Ally for you to sort through and try to make sense out of what's going on I know that because on Monday when I was in this school and I had the opportunity to stay in that office and just do this round table conversation about what's going on I was incredibly impressed the sensitivity the Insight the knowledge of the kids being able to connect the dots you've got a powerful team here I don't know about the middle school I have not been over there but build that relationship in order for you to deliver this you have to be well and because I don't know any of you then please understand that my next comment is not meant to offend simply because of the number of people in the room some of you suffer personally yourself variety of reasons variety of symptoms I think it's a kind of the sign the symptom of the culture in which we're currently living I say that to you because your well-being has a direct effect on the well-being of your children and if you're in if you if you're in your family there are two adults as opposed to being a single mom or a single dad then it's really much better for the kids if both are well this list are things that you can do on the Sleep nutrition exercise the meditation the healthy relationships these five these things are really critical for you to be able to get up and do tomorrow and feel good physically and feel good emotionally so the first one sleep we talked about it 7 to n regular routine diet and nutrition sleep nutrition good food another thing that got blown up during covid grab food wherever you get it there was not a regular balance of the nutrition the water can help to lower that cortisol level hydration exercise doesn't have to be the gym it can be a walk it can be a bike but when you move your body you burn up your excess stressors because remember the the stress hormones are meant for fight flight well if you got excess and there's no threat then you got to get rid of it somehow so move your body to do that those of you that do a yoga or a Tai Chi good for you powerful way for you to re-regulate a body that gets disregulated spiritual practices can be secular some people talk about a yoga or meditation as almost spiritual or connected to a predominant religion either one of those both of those has a real powerful regulating component healthy relationships I'll tell you what I tell teachers when I'm doing this having this conversation with them it's kind of like everybody's got a friends group but if you really want to be well because you want your kids to be well then you're going to have to call some of your friends and tell them you can't be friends with them for a while cuz they're not healthy say listen I love you we've been friends for a long time but I got to take a Hiatus from you here's a reason why I got to get my act together for my kid and then when we're healthier we can invite you back in said with tongue and cheek healthy relationships let's check that out how many of you worry about your kid when you see them hanging around with other kids that you're not so crazy that they're hanging around with that's a hard problem to solve but it's the same thing with you if you hang out with here here's the bad news the bad news is some of those unhealthy people their family members so it's kind of tough like getting rid of sisters and brothers and sister-in-laws however that's a real true thing how do you create Wellness inside of your home enough that your kids begin to benefit alcohol caffeine and other substances you can do that if you want this is not me saying oh don't do that what I'm saying to you use that as an indicator of your stress level one of the things that went up during covid purchase of alcohol use of marijuana why isolation disregulation really tough managing the mood not supposed to go out and do the walking thing but what I'm saying to you is the more of that I said this to the kids today the more of that you use it's an indicator that says you're unable to regulate your yourself so there again it's a balance Community Resources you don't have to be in this all by yourself because of where we live in the country and because there's lots of resources that's accessible either a 988 which is the new and reliable Crisis Line we gave that number to kids today they can call and they can just talk to somebody and and and kind of get past the bad moment or the other one I like is second floor the 888222 2228 in my practice I tell my kids to put it in their phone because they can text and call that anytime even when everybody else seems to have abandoned them but they know they're not in a good spot we need to help kids be aware of themselves to take care of themselves some folks have said to me where were you 15 years ago when my kid was five and I say it's never too late ever ever doesn't matter what the behavior is doesn't matter what the health and well-being is to begin to make slow changes that all emanate from you I don't want to apologize for that statement but they really all emanate from you it's really the responsibility that we have because when we get it right our kids benefit from that and then they get it right there's always always always somebody to help I don't believe in coddling I don't think that's healthy I don't believe in giving kids everything that they say they need and you think they need because that'll make things better I don't believe in that either I believe it does have to be on B B and you know what they really want I'm going to show you a book that that I'm going to recommend if you're a reader that you get they really want you to show up they just want you to show up in spite of the tough time that they take say with your help the kids can do really well here are the resources That's The Power of showing up that's Dan seagull's book it's written for parents it's real simple on what our kids neurobiology looks like and how we can help them Reg regulate it they are not old enough to regulate on their own they're learning how to do that and we need to give them support both the school folks and the parent folks this was the one of the first books that I read talks about how your biology how your biography your life story your lived experiences become your biology why the gut problems why the migraine problems and how you can heal it's easy read pediatrician naen bur Harris talks about how she had to think differently from medical school to what she was seeing with her kids meaning the kids of the families and the families that she was serving healing the long-term effects when bad stuff has happened along the way the same authors for the first book which was power of showing up that's Dan seagull's work as well is no drama discipline discipline not intended to be punitive discipline intended to be teaching giving kids opportunities to learn to do it differently than before when they screwed up we could spend a whole night on the thing I'm going to say next it's so common and it really is not very effective mostly something goes wrong and the parents first response usually is give me your phone it's usually not effective part of it we want them to have a phone for a lot of good reasons and part of it is we're not quite sure how to shape and reshape their behavior no drama discipline it's a good book for that so when we work together like evenings like tonight like you working with the staff at school will you working with the pediatrician are you working with with your own family therapist all of us are stronger than some of us and I think being here just shows that you care so I am going to end with that and willing to entertain comments or questions very